'twas the night before Valentine's or The worst break-up ever!

'twas the night before Valentine's when all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

The soft toys were kept on the table with care
In hopes that my love would soon be there

Dinner was prepared and so was the bed
I sat there waiting, holding my head

While i was waiting i poured me a nightcap
I didn't realise when i fell into a nap

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the chair to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash.

The alarms came on, the porch lights aglow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But my girl in a mini, chugging eight cans of beer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be some prick

More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and started callin me names

"Now! ****er, now! ****er, now! *****er, and ***en,
"Oh! Come, on! Come, on! D***** and B****;

So screaming he went  to the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
"Now **** off! **** off! **** off you all!"

So the neighbours woke up as the curses they flew,
With the porch full of puke and empty cans too:

He was dress'd all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnish'd with ashes and soot;

A bundle of "toys" was flung on his back,
And he look'd like a peddler just opening his pack:

The stump of a cigar he held in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

He was chubby and plump, a right troll-y old elf,
And I laugh'd when I saw him in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I was gonna be dead.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And started kissing my girl right in front of me that jerk,

Then sticking his finger inside of his nose
He flung forth a booger, up the porch steps he rose.

He sprung to his mini, to my girl gave a whistle,
And away they all drove, like the down of a thistle:

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight
"Happy Valentine's to you, and i'm banging her right!".